Vulnerable

I feel out of my comfort zone and a bit vulnerable as I write this because it's real and it's me. Part of writing this blog is to share with other people (especially other moms) what it's really like learning how to be a mom.

I was already a little emotional today because my three boys and I have been visiting my parents/family for the 4th of July weekend, and I found out that we wouldn't be able to go back home tomorrow. My car has been having problems and will have to stay at least two extra days. I miss my husband, the boys miss their Dad and we all miss our home. "Wanna go home," Taylor says as he puts his head on my shoulder.

I was able to reflect on some more of myself tonight.
I went to Enrichment Night for Relief Society. (Relief Society is the name of the women's group at church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and Enrichment Night is an evening where the ladies get together and do something fun/educational/uplifting together, like crafts, learning to fix a flat tire, service projects, and tonight was breakfast ideas with a message on self-improvement and self esteem.) We were able to taste some of the new breakfast recipes and now I have some new breakfast meals I'm looking forward to making.

Then we had the self-improvement/self esteem message from Jason Carroll (whom I found out later teaches a Marriage Preparation class at Brigham Young University or BYU) He was an amazing speaker! He had us laughing and then the very next sentence was deep and thought provoking. He was quoting two of his favorite speakers, Bruce and Marie Hafen. They say that the Japanese have a concept of "Amea." They translate this principle to mean "a longing for belonging," and continue

"People simple desire to be connected with others, especially in close relationships. They are feeling the longing to belong... Both out theology and the feelings of our feats make us want to belong, now and eternally, to the Father or our Spirits, to his Son, and to those we love on earth." (From The Belonging Heart)

Jason Carroll went on to say that a lot of women (and I add more specifically stay-at-home-moms) tend to sugar coat everything and portray their lives as easy and blissfully happy, because maybe if others see struggles and well, what life and kids really throw at us, those people might not like us. But he says in most cases it is just the opposite, when people share REAL feelings and REAL experiences those people feel closer.

I totally have to agree. I feel very close to my friends in my neighborhood, because we feel comfortable sharing special moments with our kids and husbands, but we also feel comfortable crying with each other, working out struggles, advice for kids' behaviors etc. I am even getting emotional now thinking about it because these girls mean so much to me. I can't even begin to explain what a necessity for me to have friends that I can relate to, and I feel so lucky and blessed to have the friends I do. Earlier today (even before the Enrichment Night) I texted my group of friends, "Been in UT & my fam have been working days & now have to stay 2 extra days bc of my car. Realizing that my friends are my lifesavers. Thank u :)"

I can't remember the context this was in but Jason Carroll talked about how and when we self-reflect, even when we are happy, we feel a sense of homesickness. Unconsciously I was feeling that today, and he explains that we feel this homesickness because we are away from our Heavenly Home, away from our Heavenly Parents.

This is a little non-related but I was able to put some thoughts together tonight...
When I am out with the boys like at the pool, or park, etc. I give the boys more attention than when I am at home. I'm a little torn about my feelings then, I love the attention I'm giving them and I have fun with them but I feel bad that I'm not like that more at home. Then I realized that when I'm out of the house, I don't really have any other responsibility than my kids, but when I'm at home I tend to always find something that needs to be done. There will always be something else to do, but I need to make sure to give my kids more undivided attention and play time with mom. I've been struggling with finding a balance, I tend to be very one track minded. When I'm trying to keep the house clean, that's all I do. When I'm trying to get sewing things done, that's all I do. When I'm playing with the kids, nothing else gets done. I've been feeling bad for Isaac lately because when Taylor is napping (sometimes more than three hours!) Isaac gets so bored. I've been trying to do more with him and help him find things to do. But it's kind of stressful for me. I talked to a friend and she said that she has to have her personal alone time for her and the kids. She gets a break and the kids have to learn how to entertain themselves. I can definitely see the importance of those things. I would also like to add that many kids today are always entertained and don't really know how to relax, self-reflect, meditate, etc. and I think those things are important to continue growing as a person and it also gives children the opportunity to receive feelings from our Heavenly Father or Deity.

I know this post is kind of all over the place but when I'm reflecting and thinking about things, the thoughts seem to flow quickly and aren't always coherent. Which is another good reason for me to write and organize into words.